Facing Fear

Walking, chased by fear, heading into the darkness.

Yesterday, I thought I needed to step out of my comfort zone, wanted to walk into the forest at night. Felt how everything would constrict from fear, how I'd get anxious, be alarmed by every sound, listening intently, wishing it would end, longing to return home quickly, to lock the door behind me, to relish the experiences that had passed and to write about them. Because it's impossible to write about something without truly living it.

Having thought about it yesterday, I decided that I didn't even need to go; it was terrifying just thinking about it. Thought I could just think, get scared, and write something. But I quickly fell asleep without writing anything.

This evening, I needed to refuel my car, went to fill up, and saw my forest. Not nighttime, but it was dark. I should go. It's not late, but it's scary.

I set off, walking and writing, feeling a mixture of emotions.

I recall the words of Jesus Christ: "Are there not twelve hours of daylight? If one walks during the day, he does not stumble, because he sees the light of this world. But if someone walks at night, he stumbles, for the light is not in him."

Yet I walk to Him at night, for where there's fear, there's a reliance on Him, there's a call to Him, there are thoughts about Him and the true self.

Fear kills Love, but perhaps it does so when this fear is hidden, when we perceive danger as something external, something that prevents us from stepping into fear. I have reasons to blame myself, where out of fear, I stayed outside, not advancing in love.

But fear, when you're already in it, is a peculiar thing. For such fear, it's essential to know why you're here, like a purpose, for what. Why did I wander into the darkness? To understand myself, to feel vulnerable, without various fantasies about myself. Felt it? Yes, I did. It's enough.

I'm feeling overwhelmed. Want to run, but I walk. Walk quickly. I wonder if I can walk slowly? This experiment is quite challenging for me. I can walk slowly only when I have good self-control, automatically I quicken my pace.

I see a light, light in the darkness is always God to me. It's joyful to see the light. The light is a guide. Poor moths are drawn to light. Maybe they get their reward for it?

Ah, I caught the moment when everything cuts off and feels colder inside. A piercing terror from a fallen branch nearby.

I walk back, breathing, recalling moments from the past when I was so scared in the night forest.

It's only around seven in the evening. Where's the calmness? Where's the peace? - It's not there.

But I accept myself as I am, because I have the right to be, no matter who I am, whatever I feel.

Jesus the Savior, help all those who are scared now, all those who are at war.