Costa Petrashka ⁽¹³⁶⁾

The senses intertwine with everyday life, emotions, and physical state. Today, in the cafe, there was music that immersed you in a trance, captivation, and a certain nostalgia. Only the rain was missing. And even though the music evoked nostalgia, while sitting with Dasha and the children together, in peace, it was quite hard to detach from that nostalgia. And it never quite worked. We just sat and lingered. Thought about the fast-paced life and how year after year brings us closer to... Closer to what does year after year bring…

I'm here jotting down various thoughts from my mind. Clumsy, turbulent, contradictory. Then I read the comments and inside, I get upset that certain people didn't understand me correctly or imagined something incredible. And I start to emphasize there, saying you misunderstood me! Or I didn't mean that. Or something else. I still don’t know where my urge to justify myself comes from. The desire to be understood and accepted by everyone 100%. However, there's another observation. The more turbulent, abstract, and multifaceted the post, the easier it is for every person to see a reflection of their fears, anxieties, and convictions in it. You could say that by reading other people's texts, agreeing or engaging in discussions with them, we're actually debating and agreeing with our views, with our hidden or apparent anxieties. What hasn’t been resolved for us gets resolved, reiterated, or defended by us. And the trigger's nature doesn't matter anymore. What matters is what stirs within us. Why it's important to us whether it's true or nonsense. I'm delighted when you comment and react to what I write. It feels like I get to know you better that way. Sending hugs to everyone! Finally, I'm writing not at night. So, the picture can be made brighter! P.S. Today Luba helped assemble furniture. She's a good…

Friends, do you ever feel anxious? For living well in harmony, peace, tranquility, and for things generally going your way? For having luck? For good relationships within the family? For successful projects? For a good job? For simply being alive? I do feel it, and the more things go my way, the more I feel this anxiety. I haven’t fully understood yet where it all comes from. One of my hypotheses is that some law of fairness is being violated. Why do some of my acquaintances face family issues while things are good for me? Or someone faces tragedy, or has to work too hard, or gets unlucky in small or significant ways. And then you think, "Lord, this seems unjust." It's as if I should suffer a bit to balance things out. I sometimes feel as if I’m getting all these life's blessings on credit. And it triggers me. On the other hand, I'm skeptical about this feeling and look for deceit. I fear that by receiving ordinary human happiness, I might be losing out on something more crucial. But that slips away from me, just at the level of intuition. And thirdly, regarding fairness again. It feels like my happiness might be causing suffering to someone else who is less fortunate. Sometimes, I even want to hide my joy. Like when you talk about your relationships with your kids to someone who doesn't have any, or about your wife to someone who’s single or recently divorced. Or about how nice it is to stroll through the woods and to quit IT, to someone who is desperate to get into IT for a good salary. Even writing this text, I did it with a great sense of guilt, anticipating the pain it might cause to some readers. Although, being honest with myself, I fear the judgment of these people. I know you, dear and wonderful people, won’t judge me. But those little voices in my head still haven’t entirely lost their power and fuel my self-criticism. "Constantine, whoever you are, you have the right to be!" This beautiful thought inspires me. Sending hugs to everyone!…

... Here, I've just read Ksyusha a frightening chapter from Tom Sawyer about murder, graves, exhumed bodies... Ksyusha lay there, unable to sleep. And I was sitting, writing notes. Then I went to pray with Ksyusha. We prayed for Ksyusha, for her sleep, for everything to be well. And then I prayed for the characters in the book: for the murderer, for the one who died, and for the others. I remember myself in childhood, and even now. You watch a movie or read a book with an intriguing plot, main characters, and dangers. You read and pray for them to be alright. For them to live happily. You feel deeply for them, as if they are real. Maybe they are real inhabitants of our lives. What do you…

Storm, storm rages! It rolls from side to side within me. I always craved calmness before. Thoughts that instilled fear or simply anxiety were unwanted companions. And I did whatever I could to calm down. Mostly, it helped to go and easily sleep at any time of the day or night. But now it's different. I feel the anxiety and I want to utilize it. I want to see what it brings with it. What it's about. There's no pleasure in this, but there's energy, and I need to use that energy. In all this anxiety, a certain existential meaning has emerged. Value. A moment I don't want to just miss or lose. Since I started savoring such states, the usual quiet life inside me seems bland. Like a dull routine. Though everything is good in moderation. And right now, I'm reading to Ksyusha about the adventures of Tom Sawyer. Today was the chapter about the murder of the doctor in the graveyard at night. I wonder if I was hasty to read this to a seven-year-old girl. I'll go and pray with her for the night. And to you, goodnight…

Here it is, the twist. The opposition. The thought that challenges the Desire to become a psychotherapist. All because I read posts from some Russian school of psychologists. Everything seems fine, but there's even more about where to find clients, how to do marketing, some typical answers and schemes. In my world, all of this was imagined differently. More sacred, delicate, significant. I anticipate how complicated this path can be. How diverse people are. How powerless a therapist and even the individual themselves can be. And probably, one will need to come to terms with this powerlessness. Clinging to the remnants of meaningful gems in every…

What inspires me to study to become a psychotherapist? A desire to assist my close ones and friends in their pain and senselessness. In their searches and queries. However, becoming a psychotherapist, I won't be able to help them, because one can only be a psychotherapist to those with whom they don't have relationships outside of that professional context. So, I'm left to help other people, dreaming that there will be someone in this world who will assist my close ones. P.S.: Although there are topics that I'd like to explore and present from my perspective in the form of articles or videos: Attempting to understand and accept oneself and another in these relationships seems to me the most important aspects of…

Kayaking is a wonderful thing. And the more wonderful it becomes, the quieter you go. Every paddle stroke on the water disrupts the beauty of silence and brings us closer to the end of kayaking. Similarly in life, we paddle to approach the end, rather than to live. On the other hand, when stuck in a dead-end, one needs to paddle hard to get out and move forward. My dream: early morning kayaking in dense fog. Complete…

Profound, meaningful words get lost in fleetingness and become passwords. "Christ is Risen! Indeed He is Risen!" "Glory to Jesus Christ! Forever Glory!" "Long Live Belarus! Long Live!" "Glory to Ukraine! Glory to the Heroes!" When you hear the first half, you know what response is expected from you. If you don't give that response, you will be excluded from the community. But the words themselves become passwords. It doesn't matter what you think or what you want to say. If you want to stay in the community, just say the right password. This saddens…

Kierkegaard passionately reflects on Abraham's faith, who took Isaac to Mount Moriah to offer him as a sacrifice. His beloved son. About that leap of faith into the abyss. Where there's truly nothing to hold onto, and only faith remains. Over the past year, I have changed my thoughts about Abraham's act many times. I still don't know where I've landed. However, the question of the Leap of Faith has deeply moved me. Honestly, I can't really pray as long as there's ordinary human hope for a good outcome. But when there seems to be no chance at all, sometimes it breaks through. And that's a completely different kind of prayer. Now I've received support from Kierkegaard, but maybe some of you, my dear readers, have encountered something similar in your faith? P.S.: One thing though, if someone dies, I can't pray with the hope that they will suddenly come back to life and emerge from their coffin like…

A serious question, meanings lost, they flew away. The tiny ones, which were held onto. Professional meaninglessness, should it be avoided? Or, on the contrary, should one somehow grasp onto it so as not to invent other concerns for oneself? Living in meaninglessness? How is this? What does it provide? Does it bring one closer to something grand? Something bright or true? Viktor Frankl would have said that a person quickly disappears if he lacks meaning. And Nietzsche would have remarked that if you know the 'why', then the 'how' hardly matters. This seems true. But should one cling to everything that comes to hand? Or should one try to be a good housewife, nurturing children and blessing everyone with her love? This is compatible and close to my main life's meaning. But there are some perhaps natural barriers that prevent full commitment. The need or vision of some social-organizing function. To do something, to create, to decide, to issue something. And, undoubtedly, undoubtedly it's meaningful, and that which aligns with personal purpose. Meaning - love. Actions - ???? Why are all actions meaningless? What's happening to them, what's that about? I once considered myself healthy. A good test, I truly don’t know what to do, how is a different question. So after this crisis, there will be a sequence of tasks: Here the cycle is closed. Because all this planning/cleaning is just an imitation, suggesting life is under control. But it really doesn't want to be under control. And it won't be. Because fundamentally - we are all mortal, and there's nothing to do about that, everything else is just intermediate stages. So, what to do? Clean up, or not? I paused for a few minutes. Ksyusha came in, wanted to play. I said I was very busy. "I don’t know what to do." And she says: well if you don’t know what to do, you could play with me. And a thought slipped by: "Unfavorable," but can something else be achieved in this game? Some additional benefit. This "benefit", for its sake, wastes life, wastes meaning, wastes the "here and now." Is there such a type of sinners: "profit-lovers"? It seems to me, a prevalent disease…

I hid among the flowers Tra ta ta ta ta Such a good game For a little boy I'll walk along the path Tra ta ta ta ta With my net, touching The topics of existence I pick up a little snake Tra ta ta ta ta So it doesn't die from a ditch I let it crawl to the grass I want to think of the eternal Tra ta ta ta ta But for now, I'm carefree So nonsense…

When I began my new AR activity, I formulated the goal as: to help other people in realizing their purposes and desires. One of the important criteria was a person's understanding of the meaning of their life, the purpose of their activity. Being around such people and talking to them brought me great joy. It inspired me. This way, I was connected to genuine meanings, even if they weren't mine, even if I didn't share all those meanings. Now, having slightly uncovered a handful of my deep Desires (meanings), I've started to view others' Desires a bit differently. I better realize how they differ from mine. But this is where subjectivity matters. My meaning is solely mine. But with these people, what unites me is the importance of purpose in life, and the work of exploring the meaning of one's life. Thank you for being together. With respect to your…

We do not know each other But serious questions have arisen Revealing our pains Nakedly, we stand confronting them The whole world is unknown to one another There is faith that a conversation is possible Yet words consume all meaning And without words, a silent prayer I speak not the right words Deepening the agony... But know that I wish for good And through pain, towards light, to the…

For some reason, I started to feel nauseated by IT. Somehow, it's become repulsive. I had previously perceived it as some sort of computer game, just with real-life quests and real money. But now, after feeling nauseous in VR, after using ChatGPT for meaningless projects, after a week of trying to set up prompt communication with Midjourney, I'm losing faith in IT. It's very engrossing and takes me away from life, from people, from myself. Illustration "Dull computer crap." The image was generated in Midjourney. The prompt text was generated in…