There are moments when people in a family stand on different sides of the border. They choose different countries, different life circumstances, different values. And they have reasons for that. And the distance between them is increasing. The arguments of each half are strong, understandable, related to personal sense. There is nothing to oppose.

And here you as an outsider talk to one of the halves. You sit, you agree, you find additional arguments to support the interlocutor. Everything is logical, everything is right. And with every agreement of yours, this distance between the halves is increasing.

With each such agreement, a person increasingly chooses himself, not the family. Turns into a stone, which is hard to move from its position, from its vision. The distance is increasing.

But if you disagree, find the truth in the arguments and senses of the other half (not the one you are talking to now). This can already give cracks to that stoniness. And the person will ask himself: Where is my desire? Where is my love? What can I do for this love? Can I, sensibly, make a choice against myself, but for this love?

And maybe then someone of them will say, “I do not agree with you, it is very difficult for me, but I love you. I will take a step towards you, so that you feel the warmth of my love. Do not be afraid of me, I am not against you. We are different, but I wish you good...."

Such acts are worthy of peace, love, acceptance. About such people, we could write books and build monuments to them in their lifetime.

Let's not agree with our interlocutors, let's find the truth on the other side as well.

Let the stoniness of arguments give a crack. Let love reign!

We know what to do with meaning, but we don’t know how to reveal it.

And reveal it in such a way that it does not fit into a tiny box. In my opinion, it would be good not to limit our meaning, our deep Desire. But to reveal and understand where this desire shines through, shines so that we can understand and describe it for ourselves.

There was a good example with a window through which light falls. And what we can really see are the sun’s bunnies. Here they are, what we can describe: One will be round and small on the floor, the other will be elongated on the curtains. But behind all these manifestations will stand something more significant. And this Larger will also shine through other windows if we open them.

Those sun bunnies found by us will testify to us about the deepest, our true one. Will help us understand in which dimension this true lies, what is its nature.

And this light within us, in every person is his own.

"So let your light shine before people, so that they see your good deeds and glorify your Father, who is in heaven." Gospel of Matthew 5:16

Our light is our deep Desire, which gives birth to our true good deeds, which shine in this world.

There are people who radiate light, but do not grasp it, instead clinging to various dirty trifles of their life. Like the blind, they run past their light, denying its existence. They suffer from imperfection, only looking at the dark sides of themselves, while demeaning their bright sides with words to deceit, manipulation, and so on. It’s hard for them to accept themselves as good, as bright. Someone once denied them this right. They don't allow it themselves. Great fear falls upon them. They are left only to hope that they are such. Bathe me in the past, and let me bathe you now. You are good, bright, filled with love. Correct yourselves.

Today I began taking a course on Coursera "Finding Purpose and Meaning In Life: Living for What Matters Most."

And as strange as it may be, the goal of seeking meaning is set to things quite close and daily to us. To seek the sense of our life and follow it to sleep better, work better, lose weight, have better relationships, etc.

It seems like such nonsense. It’s like meeting God in your life just to get an 8 on the exam or to request a promotion at work.

But I, too, began my journey with the same goal. Wanted to find the sense of life, my deep desire, to work more efficiently. And where is that work now? It simply faded before the silhouettes of meaning, desire, and depth.

So let it be, let people be enticed to seek meaning for something close and understandable.

On the horizon, certain issues are emerging. They make me somewhat shaky. Thoughts are running in circles. I’m assessing the risks. I don’t want them to come true. I feel a tension that does not subside. It seems like something hurts in the heart area. I understand that I am worrying. How to stop worrying? The matter is such that it is not worth strong anxiety, especially for trivialities.

And here I decided to express to myself what I am really afraid of. And start with the most important. I repeated: I am afraid of death, afraid of death, afraid of death, afraid of serious illnesses, afraid of serious illnesses, afraid of being guilty... and so on.

And you know, it let go. Because many fears reflect my helplessness in this life. Helplessness in small things, and that small flows into the most important - helplessness in the face of the creature of death. There is nowhere to escape from this helplessness and it is very difficult to accept it.

Here we begin, life is born, reveals its secrets, one wishes to be alone, wishes to be filled with the sense of life, its beauty. Feel oneself in all this. Start seeing life as it is, start seeing oneself.

...Then various things happen...

And here are the moments when the sun hides behind a fir tree. When children come out of the shower, and against their desire, are tucked into bed. Games quiet down. And we begin to read. We immerse ourselves in a fairy tale story, in the lives of other people and ourselves. This is the prism of the day, the prism of our life. The meanings, relationships, feelings, and dreams are revealed.

And then under the insistent "Please, read more," comes the promise to continue tomorrow.

Lullabies are turned on (until today they were Belarusian lullabies). And one can see how the children, immersed in their thoughts, are approaching sleep. And I am writing this text, or another one.

Precious time, precious life, meaning flies in the air, depth is revealed in silence.

The boundaries of humanity? What is humanity?

To give a person the right to be, to be as they are. To accept a person as they are.

Through all the prickliness, complexity, prejudice, agony, anger, difference, foolishness - to see in them a person who does not want to be rejected, does not want to be alone.

For this, many perform the prescribed social mission. Puts a lot of effort. To have the Right to Be. To be accepted. And every person on the one hand requires this acceptance, on the other can give it to other people.

And here we get a closed loop: Desiring acceptance, a person makes a lot of effort. And this process becomes a law for him. He and other people begin to accept, only when they make efforts and successes.

However, this circle can be broken. Start accepting people unconditionally. Even when they do not match our expectations. Accepting one, then another... We will feel that unspeakable joy for ourselves. And we can be accepted, just because we are us. This will be our support, our depth. The foundation on which true scenes of creativity and activity can be built.

You know, sometimes it happens, you go on a journey, you are there for a couple of days. And already the past, your home, life circumstances, everything seems to be in a fog. It's as if you have always lived here, in the place where you have been for only a few days. Not to mention a week.

Today our day combined a morning swim in Greece, it was so natural and usual. I asked myself: "What does our dwelling in Poland look like?" and could not adequately answer this. Yet, on the same day, we returned home. And now I am writing this text with the feeling as if I never went anywhere. And the past memories are acutely fogged as if a dream.

Could this be one of the symptoms of living in the moment?

The weather outside is good. On such a day, it's a great idea to have a spontaneous picnic. Kids love it when I interrupt their numerous games and activities with interesting and fun suggestions. A picnic is one of their favorite things. Sometimes, it's too much hassle to gather everyone inside to eat. Instead, I collect dishes, food, cups, forks, water, and balance it all to carry it out at once.

Calling kids for a picnic feels different than just calling them to eat. They instantly appear. And the best reward is the words: “Dad, can we do this again?” Exclamations like: "What a wonderful day! Everything is so good!"

Before the picnic, I had to turn on the outdoor tap for handwashing. It's usually off to ensure endless water play doesn’t stress the parents out. But after the picnic ended, the tap was still on. Buckets were ready. Ksyusha was running around and watering the flowers, with love and care. And then she moved on to the spruces, which require so much, so much water!!!

Lyuba fills a bucket, pours it under her feet, and jumps in it like Peppa Pig, singing: "Muddy Puddle! Muddy Puddle!"

In the past few months, Grandma Raya has been seriously ill with oncology.

Today, I received a message from my father: "Raya has passed away."

Inside, there is silence. No words on the lips. The boundlessness of the power of death and its undeniable meaning. But everything is covered in mystery. Silence everywhere. I don't want any meaningless word to escape in response to this message. There are no such words. Only hope, faith, and love. Like vulnerable flower shoots amidst the asphalt of this life.

Clean up everything! What is so difficult for you to clean up after yourself? Who threw this here? I'll count to three; if you don't pick it up, I'll throw everything in the trash! Where should your things be?! It's getting on my nerves!

How much energy, how much fanaticism I had before when it came to cleanliness at home and having the kids clean up after themselves. I could have launched a rocket into space with that energy. And it seemed like it wouldn't take much time to train the kids to be clean. It just required discipline, detachment, and firmness. To break them down.

This thought, about breaking them down, always made me think again and again about this situation. About cleanliness and the freedom of children. About the transience of everything happening now.

Six months ago, I changed myself. Love for the children and respect for their creativity and freedom changed my character, changed my traditions, my habits, and my sense of beauty.

Now I'm making my way through this mess of crumpled pieces of paper mixed with garbage, and I'm happy. I feel the creative charm in it, the realization of freedom, the realization of love.

What a huge burden of tension and anger has been lifted off my shoulders.

And now, the short period of time that remains for us to live together can be dedicated to acceptance, respect, joy, and creativity. Then, in a blink of an eye, they will scatter to universities and later to their own homes. Everything happens so quickly in this life; I don't see the point in raising children in areas of life that are not essential to me. It's better for them to remember a kind and joyful dad who can let go of those seven rules for the sake of love. Everybody can change for love. For me, this is my transformation, something I can be proud of!

The thought that worries me is my relationship with God.
Before, when there was a lot of stress when there were a lot of challenges around me.
When I pulled on myself responsible for everything that happened, that cry to God has always been with me. Strengthened me and guided me to the value of Eternal Life as opposed to the existing reality.

But with the first steps towards my mental recovery and normalization of the situation, the relationship began to change. The number of such appeals to God began to decrease. I went further by making my relationship with God less stressful and more enjoyable due to the abolition of certain religious requirements for oneself. I began to feel even better. But the appeal to God has also decreased.

Here I live now, changing the field of activity. I discover the meaning of life. And I mostly do this with myself... In these really very important issues, with myself, with my senses of the world and logic. I rarely turn to God.

It's hard for me to understand it.

There are several hypotheses as to why this happens:
1. My relationship with God has changed, and even if it comes to very important matters in my life, I solve them on my own. And I turn to God only when it’s already completely over.
2. Those things that I do, and those that occupy me, are still not so important and decisive that I turn to God with them.

I have no answer. And finally, with this question, I can turn to God!
Help me, Lord Jesus!

Update 26.05.2023
Not without prayer and discussions on Facebook.
I am pleased to share my conclusions with you.

The answer turns out to be complex:

1. My silence before God is not of a critical nature, as I still often remember and think about Him, share joyful moments with Him, and turn to Him in empathy for loved ones. These thoughts and interactions bring me joy and peace. Yes, they currently lack the persistent knocking on the door that will surely open. But there hasn't been such concern lately either.

2. My not appealing to God about my professional path indicates that, at the moment, there is no great urgency for me in this matter. Rather, I am like an explorer, discovering a new direction, observing and exploring it. On the other hand, my aversion to the IT industry is also evident and does not require further clarification.