In the past few months, Grandma Raya has been seriously ill with oncology.

Today, I received a message from my father: "Raya has passed away."

Inside, there is silence. No words on the lips. The boundlessness of the power of death and its undeniable meaning. But everything is covered in mystery. Silence everywhere. I don't want any meaningless word to escape in response to this message. There are no such words. Only hope, faith, and love. Like vulnerable flower shoots amidst the asphalt of this life.

In the photograph, my children are with Grandma Raya and my grandfather Kolya several years ago.

Clean up everything! What is so difficult for you to clean up after yourself? Who threw this here? I'll count to three; if you don't pick it up, I'll throw everything in the trash! Where should your things be?! It's getting on my nerves!

How much energy, how much fanaticism I had before when it came to cleanliness at home and having the kids clean up after themselves. I could have launched a rocket into space with that energy. And it seemed like it wouldn't take much time to train the kids to be clean. It just required discipline, detachment, and firmness. To break them down.

This thought, about breaking them down, always made me think again and again about this situation. About cleanliness and the freedom of children. About the transience of everything happening now.

Six months ago, I changed myself. Love for the children and respect for their creativity and freedom changed my character, changed my traditions, my habits, and my sense of beauty.

Now I'm making my way through this mess of crumpled pieces of paper mixed with garbage, and I'm happy. I feel the creative charm in it, the realization of freedom, the realization of love.

What a huge burden of tension and anger has been lifted off my shoulders.

And now, the short period of time that remains for us to live together can be dedicated to acceptance, respect, joy, and creativity. Then, in a blink of an eye, they will scatter to universities and later to their own homes. Everything happens so quickly in this life; I don't see the point in raising children in areas of life that are not essential to me. It's better for them to remember a kind and joyful dad who can let go of those seven rules for the sake of love. Everybody can change for love. For me, this is my transformation, something I can be proud of!

The thought that worries me is my relationship with God.
Before, when there was a lot of stress when there were a lot of challenges around me.
When I pulled on myself responsible for everything that happened, that cry to God has always been with me. Strengthened me and guided me to the value of Eternal Life as opposed to the existing reality.

But with the first steps towards my mental recovery and normalization of the situation, the relationship began to change. The number of such appeals to God began to decrease. I went further by making my relationship with God less stressful and more enjoyable due to the abolition of certain religious requirements for oneself. I began to feel even better. But the appeal to God has also decreased.

Here I live now, changing the field of activity. I discover the meaning of life. And I mostly do this with myself... In these really very important issues, with myself, with my senses of the world and logic. I rarely turn to God.

It's hard for me to understand it.

There are several hypotheses as to why this happens:
1. My relationship with God has changed, and even if it comes to very important matters in my life, I solve them on my own. And I turn to God only when it’s already completely over.
2. Those things that I do, and those that occupy me, are still not so important and decisive that I turn to God with them.

I have no answer. And finally, with this question, I can turn to God!
Help me, Lord Jesus!

Update 26.05.2023
Not without prayer and discussions on Facebook.
I am pleased to share my conclusions with you.

The answer turns out to be complex:

1. My silence before God is not of a critical nature, as I still often remember and think about Him, share joyful moments with Him, and turn to Him in empathy for loved ones. These thoughts and interactions bring me joy and peace. Yes, they currently lack the persistent knocking on the door that will surely open. But there hasn't been such concern lately either.

2. My not appealing to God about my professional path indicates that, at the moment, there is no great urgency for me in this matter. Rather, I am like an explorer, discovering a new direction, observing and exploring it. On the other hand, my aversion to the IT industry is also evident and does not require further clarification.

Dog, dog, dog... I walked and pondered.

...Yesterday, I was reading about the mechanisms of creating phobias. The next section was about how to deal with them through logotherapy. But I didn't read it. That's why I turned back in my morning walk, a hundred meters before the dog that blocked my path.

I had already encountered it last time, and Dog barked at me fiercely then.

And this time, all those same mechanisms described in the book came into play. From the middle of the walk, thoughts started swirling around that dog I was supposed to meet today. Different scenarios played out in my mind, imagining how it could be and what I would do.

I tried to cling to the meaning of my walk, to think about the meaning rather than the dog. It worked only when a big deer ran past right in front of me, and my attention shifted to the little fawn following behind.

But thinking about meaning didn't last long. There lies the dog in the middle of the road. And there I am, turning back. We'll meet again next time. Maybe I'll cook some meat for Dog, and we will stay friends. 

But today I saw deer. And there, another deer appeared, the phone camera capturing their gaze at each other. I even came up with a saying: "Who wakes up early meets deer in the forest."

Oh, here's another one. Maybe someone knows which bird sings so sweetly and hisses like a cat at the end?"

Today, I would like to preserve in my memory.

It's the first day I actively employed logotherapy to help a close person who had lost the meaning in life and felt very unwell.

Although I didn't do anything complicated on my end, it was crucial for me. Logotherapy is a realm where the right ideas, tied to a person's purpose, grant them a renewed life. I don't know how this idea will unfold in my close one's future. However, I'm delighted that it stirred him, and I hope this thought provided him with hope and meaning. The fruits will emerge with time.

Being a psychotherapist is a significant challenge for me! A challenge to my character (imposing my meaning on others, propagating my ideas, influencing, arguing, and so much more). It's about listening, sensitivity, caution, holding one's tongue, and taking a long time to think before speaking.

This path is a considerable challenge for me. Where the purpose must triumph over character daily because there's a reason for it.

I embrace everyone and am very grateful to you for reading!

Two years ago, when I was once again planning to launch a new project (startup), I started to ponder. What deep and vital meaning am I putting into it? Why do I need it? Why should I care about those people to whom I wanted to offer an IT solution?

• I couldn't find an answer.

I delved into the search for meaning. I sought it solely for my business realization. So that, once found, I could pursue it to the end with genuine motivation and full strength, without straying off course. Now, to me, this quest feels like searching for a magical elixir of life to sprinkle on flowers. On this magical journey of seeking meaning, of searching for my profound and true Desire, I have re-evaluated many things.

Now, as I approach a new stage in life, I'm searching for my professional realization that resonates with my life's purpose. So far, I can describe this activity as: "Helping people in their search for their own meaning, in discovering their own true Desire." Clearly, I still need a few more years of studying to become a psychotherapist (or an existential therapist, or a psychoanalyst, while the work still revolves around meanings). To not delay the practical aspect, I could obtain a coaching certification and start dealing with simpler and standard issues, like choosing a profession, a workplace, or finding your personal place in all of this.

That's a brief insight into my plans.

I sit in the library
Contemplating life
Meanwhile, Lyuba
Is cutting out round shapes

A multitude of beautiful books around
A pleasant smell emanates from them
Yet, to choose one to read
I can't decide on any of them

Perhaps the author isn't good?
Or maybe the collection here is weak?
Guess for yourselves, my friends
What's the answer this time.

Yesterday, we lived the fullness of the day with the children. And today too - movement, novelty, emotions, states, traveling, discoveries. Everyone is tired but satisfied. But what's next? It's evident that the children need some routine, long-term activities, actions, and studies. I hadn't thought much about this before. But now I'm pondering, how can I provide my children with something long-term, routine, calm, with a focus on the future? It's 100 times more challenging because, in my opinion, everything long-term is even more closely related to meaning.

My thoughts get tangled; I'll leave it at that for now.

P.S. I need to transition to a digital garden so that I can rewrite specific texts/thoughts over time.

Children run towards the road. I walk slowly behind them. I feel the danger, but not significant enough to run and stop them. Instead, I pray for God to protect them at that moment.

Now, at a spot above the lake, the children have moved far away from me. I prayed again. But after praying this time, I understood something. It's a prayer out of laziness. My conscience demands action, but I don't feel like running, stopping them, or shouting. So, internally, I pray. I console myself. I've reinterpreted this. I don't know if I'll manage to run and stop them the next time a similar situation arises. Probably not. But if I don't run, would I be able not to pray? Also, probably not.

So, what did I understand from all of this? Maybe I've slightly better understood what I do and why I do it.

By the way, this reminds me of my student days. I prayed because I didn't want to prepare for exams.

It seems I've identified three types of prayer requests:

1. I pray because I don't want to act.
2. I pray and act.
3. I pray when it's impossible to act.

How is it for you?

You know, some of the interesting and very important actions in my life had the "wrong" motivation. I went to disabled children, not for help, but to go to the camp. And then it dragged on. Well, there was something else...

But today, Dasha went to Warsaw for a few days. And in order to somehow cover up the resulting vacuum, I decided to do something with my children. And you know, there is something in it. I am sharing a short video of how our day went.

Maybe it will inspire someone to become a father.

... reading now ...

The Little Prince: "Only children know what they are looking for. They sacrifice all their time for a rag doll, and it becomes so precious to them, and when it's taken away, they cry..."

Dad: Ksyusha, do you know what you're looking for?
Ksusha: What am I looking for? My main desire is to find and verify whether the living water exists. That's my primary goal.
Dad: And why do you need the living water?
Ksusha: To give it to people for free. Because it belongs to all people and animals on the planet.
Dad: And why do people need this water?
Ksusha: Because the living water heals various wounds and diseases that nothing else can help with. And those who live in the mountains or are hopeless begin to feel joyous and hopeful.
Dad: Do you personally need such water?
Ksyusha: Only for one reason, if I get old or fall sick.
Dad: Do you want to use it to avoid dying?
Ksyusha: To avoid dying and so that other people don't die from diseases. But it's okay to die of old age. If you're already 100 years old, then it's okay to pass away. You should live when you have time to live, and not last forever or for a very long time.

P.S. By the way, she got the idea about the living water from the book “The Seven Stones” by Alexey Shein.

She is my favourite.
She is the world.
She is the meaning.
She is Dasha.
She is Mom.
She is inspiration and grounding.
Dasha has a birthday tomorrow.
Kisses.

The senses intertwine with everyday life, emotions, and physical state.

Today, in the cafe, there was music that immersed you in a trance, captivation, and a certain nostalgia. Only the rain was missing. And even though the music evoked nostalgia, while sitting with Dasha and the children together, in peace, it was quite hard to detach from that nostalgia. And it never quite worked. We just sat and lingered. Thought about the fast-paced life and how year after year brings us closer to...

Closer to what does year after year bring us?

I'm here jotting down various thoughts from my mind. Clumsy, turbulent, contradictory. Then I read the comments and inside, I get upset that certain people didn't understand me correctly or imagined something incredible. And I start to emphasize there, saying you misunderstood me! Or I didn't mean that. Or something else. I still don’t know where my urge to justify myself comes from. The desire to be understood and accepted by everyone 100%. However, there's another observation. The more turbulent, abstract, and multifaceted the post, the easier it is for every person to see a reflection of their fears, anxieties, and convictions in it. You could say that by reading other people's texts, agreeing or engaging in discussions with them, we're actually debating and agreeing with our views, with our hidden or apparent anxieties. What hasn’t been resolved for us gets resolved, reiterated, or defended by us. And the trigger's nature doesn't matter anymore. What matters is what stirs within us. Why it's important to us whether it's true or nonsense.

I'm delighted when you comment and react to what I write. It feels like I get to know you better that way. Sending hugs to everyone!

Finally, I'm writing not at night. So, the picture can be made brighter! P.S. Today Luba helped assemble furniture. She's a good helper.