Dasha ⁽⁹⁾

Today, we made a sacrifice to the god of cleanliness.

Luba builds different games out of Lego, then brings them to Dasha for her to play. She herself returns to building new ones and keeps one eye on making sure that mom continues to play. If Dasha is not actively playing, she reminds her: "Maaam, are you plaing?" I hide in the sofa so that I'm not forced to play. Dasha quietly sneaks away, warning me not to tell Luba about that. Yesterday was cleaning day.

Yesterday we stayed up late and started reading to the children closer to 9 PM, first Dasha read comics, then I read about life in the forest, then cosmic music, and finally around 10:30 PM the children fell asleep.

My eyes were already closing, but I wanted to idle a bit more, so we watched two episodes of "Fresh Off the Boat". In general, we love TV series / movies / anime about Asians. They have very characteristic expressions. Sometimes you can recognize yourself and your culture there.

I was almost falling asleep, just no energy left. But Dasha suggests, "Hey, let's go to McDonald's if it's still open" (because in our small town nothing else works at night). The offer was so unusual and tempting that I quickly woke up. We set up a camera to watch the children. And we got dressed and jumped in the car.

Halfway there, a police car stopped us, turning on the flashers. It turned out that one of the rear lights. I was savoring my encounter with the traffic police. But I was a little nervous. The policemen studied all my documents for a long time, especially the expiration date of my license. And it still has 15 years until expiration! They sent us off in peace, wishing us all the best!

The thing is, for the last two and a half years I had been driving with an expired license, which I couldn't replace. And during this time, I was never stopped. Every time I drove past a traffic police car, my heart would skip a beat, cold sweat would break out. The fines are big. And when I drove with a kayak on the roof, when I saw traffic police cars, I would stop and turn around to take another road.

My story with the driver's license in Poland is just a huge legal dead end. They couldn't change my old one, and they couldn't allow me to study for a new one (because the old one was in the database). And I wrote many letters, and a senator stood up for me, and various lawyers, and about 3 months ago they finally told me - we can't do anything, just go to Belarus.

But a month ago I flew to Georgia to get a license there (no need to study, no residence permit required). Pay and take the test. It didn't work out on the first try, so I had to fly again, which was a successful attempt.

I'm grateful to God that He somehow protected me all this time.

And I'm even more grateful to Him for teaching me to live by breaking rules and laws.

Because life doesn't always fit into them, and breaking through these barriers can be difficult.

And Dasha and I celebrated our encounter with the policemen well at McDonald's and went home. We slept until 11 AM, but it was worth it.

I love you, dear, it's interesting to live with you!

A dirt road. A handrail. The creak of a wooden platform. A key in a rusty lock. The eerie clatter of chains. The oars are released. I was warned that if the locals call the police, just reassure them that everything is fine and that there's an arrangement. However, it feels like Dasha and I are stealing a boat in the middle of the night. Finally, we've unwound the chains. As we climbed in, we realized there's no guarantee the boat won't capsize. The phone flashlight does illuminate somewhat, but mostly blinds us. We decided not to go far. Goosebumps cover our skin. The sound of oars hitting the water. Occasional bubbles. From time to time, a fish jumps out. In the nearby forests, dogs bark. It was supposed to be romantic. Stars in the sky without any light pollution. The stars are beautiful. We even found a candle and lit it. The other one didn’t light. A thermos with hot tea. Small cups. Tasty candies. But through all of this, our vulnerability. Our fears laid bare before each other, that's where the beauty lies. We sat and shared our anxieties and fears, which was comforting. Every now and then, I'd get so engrossed in our conversation. The backdrop against which I saw Dasha (the lake surface, shadows from the dark forest, the dark forest itself, some distant lights, stars) resembled a Zoom or Google Meet background. An unreal backdrop. Another challenge was finding the dock. We'd been carried away by the unnoticed current. Reeds brush against the oars. The boat scrapes against another boat. All these sounds, like whispered human voices. We immediately thought there were people nearby. But it was only the sounds of the night. Such a little journey into the mysteries of our soul.

I'm afraid of many things. But I'd like to live my life facing those fears, with depth, meaning, and true love. True love conquers fear.

Thank you, my beloved, for agreeing to such an adventure.

"The one for whom I walked to the cross, carries me in her arms."

Thank you, my love. Meeting you was a turning point in my life. That hidden part of a magical fairy tale, which usually starts from the end and is never voiced, touched me. I live in it. In the fairy tale with you. Where every moment is unpredictable. Where challenges alternate with rewards, solitude with unity, joy with sorrow, tension with relaxation. I feel a deep need for you, and I believe you feel the same need for me.

Let's dance, the dance of our life, and even death will not part us.

I've badly slept.
I've badly eaten.
I've barely died today.

We came to the forest.
I hugged a pine.
Wandered with Dasha into its depths.

...
The forest speaks in depth.
About my feelings, my dreams.

She is my favourite.
She is the world.
She is the meaning.
She is Dasha.
She is Mom.
She is inspiration and grounding.
Dasha has a birthday tomorrow.
Kisses.

I get lost, hide, rejoice, but I can't find my place. This usually happens when our eyes meet, when I feel something very pleasant and touching. It was like that yesterday. Dasha wrote such a poem: [link to the poem]. And she read it to me, eye to eye. I freeze and barely contain the turbulence inside me. It's hard to find words to describe what's happening inside me. I feel like I'm hearing something I don't deserve. As if it's a mistake. And then a moment passes, and this sweet mirage dissipates. It seems that this can't be true. The pleasant can't be real. These words, eye to eye, make me feel exposed. They pierce and highlight all my imperfections. They scream, feeling dangerously heavy and uncomfortable.

And again, we return to Joy-Existence. How hard it is to return to "Unique joy-existence", to the greatest value of "You are a Human!". Regardless of achievements, appearance, character, or intelligence. "I am a human!" - and that's enough. Nothing can give us more than this word. Starting with this "I am a Human", one can Live, Love, and be loved, rejoice, search, and find. And nothing else is needed. No conditions, statuses, or parameters. This is enough; starting with this, one can Live!

I'll say Yes to Life! I'll say to my Beloved - Thank you, my dear, for being!

Not the money I earn,
Not achievements or performances,
Not travels,
Not growth,
Not work,
Not code,
Not skills,
Not things,
And not diplomas on the wall.

What makes me strong is, That I love you.

Thank you, my dear, for inspiring love with love.