dilemma ⁽¹⁾

You know, although I've tried several times to start a scientific career, I must admit: "The scientific path and scientific approach are very distant to me". I somehow get overwhelmed by the depth of research, logical connections, and conclusions. Trying to understand something based on facts, dialectics, and all such other things seems like a waste of my life (considering how much time one needs to spend on all of it).

Yet the quest for truth persists in me. Usually, I'd trust someone exceptionally wise. And everything would go smoothly. It even seems to me that my entire being would comply with this authority, so there was no crack in the emerging worldview. My trust is temporal; I periodically search to see if there's something more suitable to my unspoken vision. And so, it transitions from one thing to another, without intense conflicts.

Almost all the time, I live without dilemmas, and even if they arise, I quickly decide on one of the options. And I continue my life, not lingering on that.

Until today, everything went more or less logically and predictably. But today, a conflict emerged, a crack appeared. I'm faced with profound existential-psychological-religious questions. I am not ready to measure truth. There's a need to delve deeper, to choose, to immerse into specific niches (and to decide precisely which ones). At the same time, I understand that it's beyond me to comprehend the full spectrum of arguments.

I must continue to study the material, listen to myself, and incessantly call out to God. "Lord, guide me to Your truth!"