I was writing a note about the importance of preserving health for old age. Because if in old age I cannot think or act, it will be very, very bad.
What will you be able to do in old age, even if you are incapable of most things? (I asked myself).
I must be able to love.
What else can you do?
I can believe and I can desire.
How are these things interconnected?
I don't know if it comes naturally, but it seems: Desire = Faith * Love.
How do you differentiate these words for yourself?
Love - it's love for a Person. Faith - it's love for God. Desire - it's the longing for Love and Faith to flourish eternally.
Aren't you confusing anything?
It seems I'm confusing everything, but let it be so.
And what do these reflections give you?
If we consider time and all the things we manage to do within this time, it's like an airstrip with flies that we enthusiastically and energetically launch in different directions, like tiny planes. It's important to attach seeds of eternity to these flies. So that more flies carry and sow the seeds of eternity: Love, Faith, and Desire.
I get lost, hide, rejoice, but I can't find my place. This usually happens when our eyes meet, when I feel something very pleasant and touching. It was like that yesterday. Dasha wrote such a poem: [link to the poem]. And she read it to me, eye to eye. I freeze and barely contain the turbulence inside me. It's hard to find words to describe what's happening inside me. I feel like I'm hearing something I don't deserve. As if it's a mistake. And then a moment passes, and this sweet mirage dissipates. It seems that this can't be true. The pleasant can't be real. These words, eye to eye, make me feel exposed. They pierce and highlight all my imperfections. They scream, feeling dangerously heavy and uncomfortable.
And again, we return to Joy-Existence. How hard it is to return to "Unique joy-existence", to the greatest value of "You are a Human!". Regardless of achievements, appearance, character, or intelligence. "I am a human!" - and that's enough. Nothing can give us more than this word. Starting with this "I am a Human", one can Live, Love, and be loved, rejoice, search, and find. And nothing else is needed. No conditions, statuses, or parameters. This is enough; starting with this, one can Live!
I'll say Yes to Life! I'll say to my Beloved - Thank you, my dear, for being!
Not the money I earn, Not achievements or performances, Not travels, Not growth, Not work, Not code, Not skills, Not things, And not diplomas on the wall.
I feel so good with you, my dear, I never dreamed of such happiness, To wake up early in the morning, To feel elated even without wings.
Without conditions, rules, or opinions, Without tension, strain, or expectation, With you, I feel the moments Of unique joy and existence.
Together, we observe everything around, We immerse ourselves in the darkness... and again, The secrets of our conscience are renewed, And love inspires love.
Everything will end in this world, Much will change, believe me, together, Elevated by our love, We'll wander in other universes.
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Yesterday, I wandered through the snowy forest, and today, during a walk, I wrote a poem for Dasha.
Here they are, growing out of one pot. Brothers and sisters to each other. Beautiful and slightly different. Leaning away from each other a bit. Someone said - towards the sun. But not just towards the sun. They need space for themselves. They need some safe distance and uniqueness. Just like people. It's their right. And it doesn't diminish love. It's like looking at paintings; you don't get much if you press your nose against them. The same goes for relationships; there needs to be some space. To breathe deeply. To see more around you. And here they are together: Curved and straight, opened and not, closer and farther from the sun. Giving warmth and joy to us. Simply because they exist. I hope that we also bring joy to God just by our existence. This is our primary achievement and our main value. We exist!
My beloved is ill today, Pain has come, but there's no fear. For like yesterday, she walks and drinks, Even though her back hurts a lot.
Because she doesn't want to think about the terrible, Because she doesn’t want to admit it… That waking up tomorrow morning, I won't be able to kiss her.
Everything will pass with joys and excitements, Life will be completely different. And I'll be tormented by unhappiness, Because of what wasn't there before.
My beloved is ill today, Pain has come, and that fear arose. I'll run, hug, and we'll embrace. We'll kiss with joy, wow!
- - - - - A few days later, Dasha got better. All is well!
Having let me by the path, Allowing me to wander and play, My dear one goes home, To wait for me and greet me there.
And I walk with deep gratitude, Wandering, searching for words, So that the cold heart might change, And from it, love would ignite.
May our gazes be filled with love, May our days be satiated with affection, And in the air, may joy greet us, Under the guitar, both my voice and yours...
Right now, I won't talk about my experiences or the perception of the world; it will be more of a reflection after a long conversation.
This world, quite harsh, is not simple; it contains much suffering, pain, and trials.
Some of us face these trials unprepared, suddenly. After struggling, but having traveled the path, they realize themselves that it was not an easy path, but anyone who goes will overcome.
And then they start broadcasting their vision of this "harsh world" as a kind of norm. They start engaging in a good cause, "preparing" the younger ones for the fact that this world is very harsh. They see a mentoring mission in this. One might say they prepare for real life. They see the danger in someone thinking the world is good. That they will stay in ignorance of the world's harshness. These people with good intentions will educate the inexperienced, not even talking about the harshness, but showing it by example. To thoroughly prepare the young.
What we get in the end: to harshness is added more harshness, but this harshness is supposedly justified by good intentions. It's like parents who beat their children with belts a little less than their parents beat them because they are humanists. But yes, without this, there will be no upbringing because the world is harsh.
Maybe in these considerations, I mixed up many things, and everything is not so simple. But please, I even beg, STOP spreading harshness, stop being mentors of life. It's better to extend a hand of mutual assistance, acceptance, and love to one another.
The harshness in the world will not disappear anyway, and we will be each other's support in which a person can stand in this complicated world.
The Holy Spirit comes to me, either through salty tears in my eyes, through the encounter with marvelous droplets on the grass, or as now through droplets on my body that relieve me from fever.
In the photo is a blade of grass from the day before yesterday. It's curious that only on it there was dew, while others had none. I even returned to take a photograph.
The next morning we go to the kindergarten by car. As we walk from the car, we occasionally have to stop and carry Ksusha. She won't let her leg be touched. It hurts her a lot. I can see she wants my comfort because she's in pain. But something inside me stops me from showing her compassion. It's the consequence of her own foolishness. Indeed, I didn't remove the "beautiful" elastic band on leg from the candy. That day was definitely not Ksusha's day, her leg didn't get better. And she was limping when I picked her up from the “snack time”. Ksusha cried, the teachers were very concerned about what happened and if it was being treated. I explained with irritation and tried in Polish to explain about the elastic band. We probably walked in silence. Because she's at fault, and she didn’t listen to her parents who speak the truth.
Meanwhile, in the evening, I start to run a fever, feel miserable, and all plans are canceled. Giving up on everything, I go to bed early. Dasha brings me a drink, the kids peek in. Before I fall asleep, I shout to another room: "Massage her leg!" I fall asleep...
I wake up when everyone's already asleep. I have a sore throat, I feel hunched. I lay down. I feel very sad. I wish someone would comfort me. It's especially hard because I understand why this happened to me.
In the morning, I went to the forest. I even saw a moose there. The sun warmed me up, and I took off one of the two hats. Then I climbed into the observation post to watch the birds. There was a strong wind blowing through my head, and it felt somewhat chilly. But with the adrenaline from the encounter with the moose, it was all worth it. "Beautiful," but the rest doesn't matter! Excitedly, I head home, once again with a small treasure, "a spotted moose". On the way, I stop by the store for a snack, realizing I should treat myself with some ice cream. I take a small one and quickly eat it so the kids wouldn't see. Well, that's the whole diagnosis.
So, here I lie, wanting someone to pity this fool, while everyone sleeps. And I ask God: "Lord, allow me to feel pity for myself." I felt warm, and I immediately thought of my daughter. My whole heart felt sorry for her. A father's daughter.
