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You know, although I've tried several times to start a scientific career, I must admit: "The scientific path and scientific approach are very distant to me". I somehow get overwhelmed by the depth of research, logical connections, and conclusions. Trying to understand something based on facts, dialectics, and all such other things seems like a waste of my life (considering how much time one needs to spend on all of it).

Yet the quest for truth persists in me. Usually, I'd trust someone exceptionally wise. And everything would go smoothly. It even seems to me that my entire being would comply with this authority, so there was no crack in the emerging worldview. My trust is temporal; I periodically search to see if there's something more suitable to my unspoken vision. And so, it transitions from one thing to another, without intense conflicts.

Almost all the time, I live without dilemmas, and even if they arise, I quickly decide on one of the options. And I continue my life, not lingering on that.

Until today, everything went more or less logically and predictably. But today, a conflict emerged, a crack appeared. I'm faced with profound existential-psychological-religious questions. I am not ready to measure truth. There's a need to delve deeper, to choose, to immerse into specific niches (and to decide precisely which ones). At the same time, I understand that it's beyond me to comprehend the full spectrum of arguments.

I must continue to study the material, listen to myself, and incessantly call out to God. "Lord, guide me to Your truth!"

We know what to do with meaning, but we don’t know how to reveal it.

And reveal it in such a way that it does not fit into a tiny box. In my opinion, it would be good not to limit our meaning, our deep Desire. But to reveal and understand where this desire shines through, shines so that we can understand and describe it for ourselves.

There was a good example with a window through which light falls. And what we can really see are the sun’s bunnies. Here they are, what we can describe: One will be round and small on the floor, the other will be elongated on the curtains. But behind all these manifestations will stand something more significant. And this Larger will also shine through other windows if we open them.

Those sun bunnies found by us will testify to us about the deepest, our true one. Will help us understand in which dimension this true lies, what is its nature.

And this light within us, in every person is his own.

"So let your light shine before people, so that they see your good deeds and glorify your Father, who is in heaven." Gospel of Matthew 5:16

Our light is our deep Desire, which gives birth to our true good deeds, which shine in this world.

Yesterday, we lived the fullness of the day with the children. And today too - movement, novelty, emotions, states, traveling, discoveries. Everyone is tired but satisfied. But what's next? It's evident that the children need some routine, long-term activities, actions, and studies. I hadn't thought much about this before. But now I'm pondering, how can I provide my children with something long-term, routine, calm, with a focus on the future? It's 100 times more challenging because, in my opinion, everything long-term is even more closely related to meaning.

My thoughts get tangled; I'll leave it at that for now.

P.S. I need to transition to a digital garden so that I can rewrite specific texts/thoughts over time.

... reading now ...

The Little Prince: "Only children know what they are looking for. They sacrifice all their time for a rag doll, and it becomes so precious to them, and when it's taken away, they cry..."

Dad: Ksyusha, do you know what you're looking for?
Ksusha: What am I looking for? My main desire is to find and verify whether the living water exists. That's my primary goal.
Dad: And why do you need the living water?
Ksusha: To give it to people for free. Because it belongs to all people and animals on the planet.
Dad: And why do people need this water?
Ksusha: Because the living water heals various wounds and diseases that nothing else can help with. And those who live in the mountains or are hopeless begin to feel joyous and hopeful.
Dad: Do you personally need such water?
Ksyusha: Only for one reason, if I get old or fall sick.
Dad: Do you want to use it to avoid dying?
Ksyusha: To avoid dying and so that other people don't die from diseases. But it's okay to die of old age. If you're already 100 years old, then it's okay to pass away. You should live when you have time to live, and not last forever or for a very long time.

P.S. By the way, she got the idea about the living water from the book “The Seven Stones” by Alexey Shein.