self-acceptance ⁽¹⁰⁾

Friends, for those in the midst of relocation. Fatigue, vulnerability, detachment. When there's a moment, we reflect on the situation, on ourselves. After this, it often becomes even harder. It becomes even more painful. But it's not that simple. Difficulty, emptiness, exhaustion, lack of resources for action - all this is about meaning. It is unfortunately revealed through such a tough state, through such a sense of being lost. Now I'll try not to waste such states, not to suffer from them meaninglessly.

What one can do:

1. First and foremost, one can write. Writing is not just circling the same superficial thoughts in the head. Writing is to delve deeper. By delving deeper, we understand what's going on inside us. By delving deeper, we accept ourselves as we truly are. Writing is creativity - and our complex states are a resource for this creativity.

2. Secondly, one can relieve oneself of responsibility for things you truly aren't responsible for. Something that might have fallen upon you a long time ago. And it benefits neither you nor anyone else, and you might not even want to deal with it. But without reflection, without a critical look at various aspects of your life, it's impossible to clear the field of your life. By clearing your life of all sorts of things, there's time for rest, there's time for truly important matters.

Success in your relocation. Let's be together.

There have been times when in a certain community, you act oddly, inappropriately. You already feel out of place. They don't accept you as one of their own. At that moment, the mind seeks ways to prove that you belong, that you're even better than them. It's not about just saying or doing something to prove it; you'd want to devote your whole life to this cause. But is this a true desire? Not at all. It's all because of the hurt and non-acceptance of oneself. A person who forgets their deep-rooted Desire flounders in different directions, tormented by false cravings.

At least now, one can understand and let go of this.

A rocking chair. Street. Clouds. Porch.
Ksenia comes out from around the corner.
A sad pace. Eyes looking down.

• Ksusha, what happened?
• I accidentally hit Luba with a jump rope. She came under it herself... Come here, my dear. Sit on my lap. Don’t be sad; things happen. Ksenia lies in my arms.

- - - 

It seems to me that I slightly understand her. Those thoughts circling her mind, emerging here and there. "How bad I am, why am I so bad, but Luba is good, and I am wicked..." How heavy these thoughts weigh on her, how they engulf her. There are actions after which this burden rolls over her like an avalanche. She rightly feels like a victim (not a victim of our judgment), but a victim of her own thoughts. She feels terrible, sad, and self-destructive. It escalates so quickly, and from my side, I might inadvertently add fuel to her fire.

In a nutshell, the situation looks like this: Luba came under it, Ksusha couldn't control herself and hit Luba. Luba cries, she's in pain and needs consolation. But Ksusha shifts her focus to her own tragedy and forgets about Luba. Or she becomes even more angry at Luba because through her, she faced her unbearable self again. And I say/yell: Look what you've done! Go and apologize to Luba!

- - - 

And there she lies in my arms, and I comfort her. "You are a good daughter. Don't be sad. All of us sometimes do bad things. It happens. You are good. You are not the same as your actions. You don't need to meet all our expectations. You can be yourself, and we will love you regardless of whether you do as we want or not. Listen to your heart, Ksusha, there you will hear the answers."

These words, about the answers that can be heard in the heart, resonated with her. Throughout the day, she approached me three times, whispering: "How can I hear answers in my heart? Dad, teach me."

I postponed this conversation as long as I could. On her third request, I set a time. "Today, after our evening reading, we will talk about it before bedtime."

Of course, all day I pondered what to discuss with Ksusha before sleep. I don't have any method that even I could use to hear answers in my heart.

The time for our conversation arrived.

"You know, Ksusha, it's best to first ask questions in the heart. Questions that you really want answers to. Questions that move you. For example: Who are you? How are you? What matters to you? Why do you want this or that? Why sometimes don't you want something? ..."

"Dad, can I ask why I sometimes have thoughts that you don't love me?" "That's because your dad once thought he was very smart. All foolish people think so. And so your dad (me) thought, if Ksusha does something wrong, she should be put in the corner. So she would understand right from wrong. That's how I kept sending you to those corners. Instead of accepting you, hugging you when you made mistakes. I pushed you away. And you went to the corner. I thought I did it out of love. For you. But please forgive me, dear Ksusha, I was very foolish. I love you, Ksusha." "Dad, I don't remember any of that, what you're talking about." "Yes, Ksusha, you don't remember it, but you have thoughts. That I don't love you when you do something wrong because there were such events before. Forgive me, Ksusha, I didn't want to hurt you. But I was very foolish. I didn't want to love, I wanted to discipline. I love you." "Okay, dad." "Ksusha, do you feel better after our talk?" "Yes, dad, thank you. I love you. I know you love me. But why were you so foolish?" "I didn't listen to my heart, Ksusha. I didn't understand anything." "Well, okay, dad." "Ksusha, can I write about our conversation? And tomorrow, I'll read to you what I've written." "Yes, I agree." "Good night, beloved Ksusha." "Good night, dad."

A wonderful and profound film about experiencing guilt imposed from childhood. It's about how love, friendship, and empathy pull a person out of a vicious cycle of self-hatred. It reveals the possibility to live. It seems the Japanese made it, but it's so relatable to situations experienced by people in our homeland. I believe this movie can be therapeutic for those who are going through something similar.

I recommend a beautiful viewing.

My journey to find my profound Desire took an interesting route. I had to question all the lesser Desires of my life. And after these questions, it turned out that much of that wasn't really my desire. That's when I started thinking about "Sovest'". There are situations when it gnaws at you because in a choice situation you ponder how and what to do. Sometimes the choice is clear, other times not at all. And the dictates of "conscience" might not come from within us but from societal norms and upbringing. And these aren't things one should trust without critical reflection. Hence, acting according to one's conscience doesn't guarantee doing good. If in your community it was accepted to kill dissenters, and those who lacked the courage to do so were criticized and felt guilty. They asked for forgiveness for their soft-heartedness. Their conscience constantly hinted, "don't be lazy, go kill." On the other hand, another voice would advocate for life. Or perhaps steal from the rich and give to the poor. Sacrifice your entire life for close ones. Earn money for the family or give everything to strangers. And that "conscience" will torment itself and us along with it. There has to be something above it, more foundational and wiser.

However, the good thing that "conscience" does is to give an opportunity to learn more about oneself. What voices, what versions of me are in this dialogue? What do they want, and how have they formed within me?

Thank you to a.Vyacheslav Rubski for his reflections on this topic.

How deeply does an unhappy person irritate you? Why is it so painful and unbearable? Why do you want to fix everything as quickly as possible? Make them happy, acknowledge the beauty of the world, thank their fate, and be grateful to God.

Perhaps we fear that in this person the truth is reflected. Loneliness, the inevitability of death, and the overarching meaninglessness are mirrored. We ourselves avoid these states at all costs, suppressing them with fast foods of all kinds: goals, plans, food, movies, emotions, fights, and news. We fear confronting this abyss of profound questions for which we have no answers. The questions themselves weigh heavily and disassemble us. Because through the lens of these questions, our entire life is reevaluated; we see the underbelly of our very selves. We stand exposed and defenseless in the face of this life. And all the illusions we've constructed to feel in control just dissipate like mist.

I myself experienced a shift. Earlier, I would get disturbed when someone in my presence was sad or unhappy. It tore me apart.

Now, I see it as an opportunity. It's a moment when a person is on the verge of confronting a truth, someone seeking truth and rejecting the fast-food solutions offered from all sides. Let's not numb ourselves. Let's not run from these states.

It's terrifying, but through it, one can better understand oneself. One can find their true desire, from which we've drifted so far.

Love yourself when it's tough for you. Love others when it's tough for them.

I remember well when I came to the Church. Everything resonated inside and out. I felt very good and confident. I accepted all the traditions as they should be. As the ultimate truth, where wisdom passed from generation to generation, the guides of wisdom never contradicted each other (as I imagined it then). And they have already outlined and said: "what to do, what to beware of, what to pay attention to." And most importantly for me!!!! What and how to think, what and how to feel.

This was a crucial point. I gladly accepted such instruction. I had never looked deep within myself and did not trust myself. I lived by the desires of other people. So switching from one to another was very easy. And I just began to feel and think as the holy ones of the Orthodox Church wrote. I fit into the community and tradition, feeling completely comfortable there.

And here I thought, well why is it so hard for other people to take and start thinking correctly, feeling correctly?

Well, what can I say now... Only a person who does not have and does not know themselves can change so easily under any request. Mostly to meet not their own, but some other group and criteria.

And here, when you already accept yourself, when you explore yourself and your depth. Then any external benchmarks and criteria begin to correspond much more with your own essence. And are accepted, only if they really do not contradict the deep and true you.

Acceptance, understanding, and love. These are the three pillars on which my personal world now stands.

Every day, I try to think about how much I accepted, understood, and loved others today. And finding these things, they please me and give me hope.

Sometimes it doesn’t work out: you don’t accept, don’t understand, don’t love. It's painful of course, but I hold on to the fact that God accepts, understands, and loves me as imperfect, as human, as alive. It’s warm from this.

Here the circle is closed. And it's good outside and inside.

What are your KPIs of effectiveness?

There are people who radiate light, but do not grasp it, instead clinging to various dirty trifles of their life. Like the blind, they run past their light, denying its existence. They suffer from imperfection, only looking at the dark sides of themselves, while demeaning their bright sides with words to deceit, manipulation, and so on. It’s hard for them to accept themselves as good, as bright. Someone once denied them this right. They don't allow it themselves. Great fear falls upon them. They are left only to hope that they are such. Bathe me in the past, and let me bathe you now. You are good, bright, filled with love. Correct yourselves.