self-analysis ⁽³⁾

I've written before about the question that looms over me. What is conscience? And can the voice of God come through it? Or can it be the voice of Purpose?

Today is a day of torment, for the voices of conscience cannot agree.

1. One voice says - act rationally, set boundaries.
2. The second voice says - but you're a good boy, be kind and gentle.
3. Amidst all this, a third voice emerges, saying: This can all be reconciled. You can find that golden path that will satisfy both versions of yourself.
4. In such conflicts, a fourth voice screams - finish with this and don't waste time, stop these thoughts from racing in your head. Quench one version of yourself, and fully justify the other (and you know, this voice usually wins).
5. A fifth voice barely restrains itself from dumping all this torment and situation on someone close, seeking support. Support that would mean only one thing - you're doing great. As if it's an objective external observation.

Let's dissect their imperfections a bit:

1. Rational Self - seems the most adequate, but conflicts arise through it. And that's very unpleasant.
2. Gentle Self - such a darling that should satisfy everyone around and harm no one. And everyone will love him. But this isn't living truthfully.
3. Perfect Self - a pure perfectionist of theoretical models, setting incredible tasks for himself. He's like a butterfly, flitting here and there, thinking one can serve both this and that.
4. Impatient Self - tired of the suspended state and the torments associated with it. Wants to finish everything as quickly as possible, having chosen a single truth.
5. Seeking Validation Self - he's like the Impatient one, but looks for someone to affirm that he's doing great. This Self is ready to mix facts to get external validation and silence his other voices.

There are events after which you find yourself stagnant. It might be a rethinking or disappointment. There is no fire in the eyes, no vitality in the voice, only a wandering gaze and incomprehensible muttering. But this is also a day, and its value is no less than all other days. Our desire for resourceful states, where we can act effectively, may indicate our lack of authentic value. And value is related to effectiveness - success. Who imposed this on us? Why has it so squarely stuck and is not letting millions of people live (I am obviously inventing here, I do not have exact numbers).

So, what is the value for you in the days when you can’t (or don’t want to) do anything?

There are people who radiate light, but do not grasp it, instead clinging to various dirty trifles of their life. Like the blind, they run past their light, denying its existence. They suffer from imperfection, only looking at the dark sides of themselves, while demeaning their bright sides with words to deceit, manipulation, and so on. It’s hard for them to accept themselves as good, as bright. Someone once denied them this right. They don't allow it themselves. Great fear falls upon them. They are left only to hope that they are such. Bathe me in the past, and let me bathe you now. You are good, bright, filled with love. Correct yourselves.