truth ⁽³⁾

I've written before about the question that looms over me. What is conscience? And can the voice of God come through it? Or can it be the voice of Purpose?

Today is a day of torment, for the voices of conscience cannot agree.

1. One voice says - act rationally, set boundaries.
2. The second voice says - but you're a good boy, be kind and gentle.
3. Amidst all this, a third voice emerges, saying: This can all be reconciled. You can find that golden path that will satisfy both versions of yourself.
4. In such conflicts, a fourth voice screams - finish with this and don't waste time, stop these thoughts from racing in your head. Quench one version of yourself, and fully justify the other (and you know, this voice usually wins).
5. A fifth voice barely restrains itself from dumping all this torment and situation on someone close, seeking support. Support that would mean only one thing - you're doing great. As if it's an objective external observation.

Let's dissect their imperfections a bit:

1. Rational Self - seems the most adequate, but conflicts arise through it. And that's very unpleasant.
2. Gentle Self - such a darling that should satisfy everyone around and harm no one. And everyone will love him. But this isn't living truthfully.
3. Perfect Self - a pure perfectionist of theoretical models, setting incredible tasks for himself. He's like a butterfly, flitting here and there, thinking one can serve both this and that.
4. Impatient Self - tired of the suspended state and the torments associated with it. Wants to finish everything as quickly as possible, having chosen a single truth.
5. Seeking Validation Self - he's like the Impatient one, but looks for someone to affirm that he's doing great. This Self is ready to mix facts to get external validation and silence his other voices.

You know, although I've tried several times to start a scientific career, I must admit: "The scientific path and scientific approach are very distant to me". I somehow get overwhelmed by the depth of research, logical connections, and conclusions. Trying to understand something based on facts, dialectics, and all such other things seems like a waste of my life (considering how much time one needs to spend on all of it).

Yet the quest for truth persists in me. Usually, I'd trust someone exceptionally wise. And everything would go smoothly. It even seems to me that my entire being would comply with this authority, so there was no crack in the emerging worldview. My trust is temporal; I periodically search to see if there's something more suitable to my unspoken vision. And so, it transitions from one thing to another, without intense conflicts.

Almost all the time, I live without dilemmas, and even if they arise, I quickly decide on one of the options. And I continue my life, not lingering on that.

Until today, everything went more or less logically and predictably. But today, a conflict emerged, a crack appeared. I'm faced with profound existential-psychological-religious questions. I am not ready to measure truth. There's a need to delve deeper, to choose, to immerse into specific niches (and to decide precisely which ones). At the same time, I understand that it's beyond me to comprehend the full spectrum of arguments.

I must continue to study the material, listen to myself, and incessantly call out to God. "Lord, guide me to Your truth!"

Aporia - (if I'm not mistaken) this word was used in the times of Socrates to indicate that the conversation and arguments have reached a dead end. We have encountered an impasse. And the one who thought he knew something is left with a shattered worldview. Left with questions to which he no longer has answers (but previously did).

The situation is very complicated. It makes one want to cry. It feels like the ground is slipping from beneath one's feet.

Yet, does it bring us closer to some greater truth? To be on the edge of the unknown is to be closer to the truth. If our interlocutor is cunning and wise, he will question us about ordinary things. Upon understanding our thoughts about them, he will pose further intricate questions, and everything will fall apart. To us, he will appear quite rude, and it's unlikely we will hold any affection for him...