Quo Vadis
Sometimes in the evening, I want to do something. My heart aches because it's impossible even to imagine what I'd want to. Something fundamentally meaningful, something very, very important. So that the echo of this action or deed would last forever. And here I sit and suffer because I can't think of such a task or activity for myself. Everything seems trivial, meaningless, unattractive. Sometimes, after suffering, I imagine some tasks for myself, wind myself up, and visualize taking the first step for an endeavor that will define my entire future. And right then, in the middle of the night, I start doing it. Because if I don't do something like that, I'll perish from my own torment. I'd lose my mind. So, comforting myself, fueled by something distant and very significant, I take that decisive step. You probably understand that in a week or two, I'll be suffering in the same scenario. And by the way, I'm writing this now because this very thought has gripped me tightly. Probably writing about it is a better solution than all the activities I started before.
In general, I take too many first steps but don't continue walking that path. I used to suffer because of this, but now I say: What's the point of continuing in something you don't truly believe in? Darn! There's no point! One should learn to deviate from the wrong path even faster than before.
