life ⁽⁴³⁾

Today, we made a sacrifice to the god of cleanliness.

Luba builds different games out of Lego, then brings them to Dasha for her to play. She herself returns to building new ones and keeps one eye on making sure that mom continues to play. If Dasha is not actively playing, she reminds her: "Maaam, are you plaing?" I hide in the sofa so that I'm not forced to play. Dasha quietly sneaks away, warning me not to tell Luba about that. Yesterday was cleaning day.

Yesterday we stayed up late and started reading to the children closer to 9 PM, first Dasha read comics, then I read about life in the forest, then cosmic music, and finally around 10:30 PM the children fell asleep.

My eyes were already closing, but I wanted to idle a bit more, so we watched two episodes of "Fresh Off the Boat". In general, we love TV series / movies / anime about Asians. They have very characteristic expressions. Sometimes you can recognize yourself and your culture there.

I was almost falling asleep, just no energy left. But Dasha suggests, "Hey, let's go to McDonald's if it's still open" (because in our small town nothing else works at night). The offer was so unusual and tempting that I quickly woke up. We set up a camera to watch the children. And we got dressed and jumped in the car.

Halfway there, a police car stopped us, turning on the flashers. It turned out that one of the rear lights. I was savoring my encounter with the traffic police. But I was a little nervous. The policemen studied all my documents for a long time, especially the expiration date of my license. And it still has 15 years until expiration! They sent us off in peace, wishing us all the best!

The thing is, for the last two and a half years I had been driving with an expired license, which I couldn't replace. And during this time, I was never stopped. Every time I drove past a traffic police car, my heart would skip a beat, cold sweat would break out. The fines are big. And when I drove with a kayak on the roof, when I saw traffic police cars, I would stop and turn around to take another road.

My story with the driver's license in Poland is just a huge legal dead end. They couldn't change my old one, and they couldn't allow me to study for a new one (because the old one was in the database). And I wrote many letters, and a senator stood up for me, and various lawyers, and about 3 months ago they finally told me - we can't do anything, just go to Belarus.

But a month ago I flew to Georgia to get a license there (no need to study, no residence permit required). Pay and take the test. It didn't work out on the first try, so I had to fly again, which was a successful attempt.

I'm grateful to God that He somehow protected me all this time.

And I'm even more grateful to Him for teaching me to live by breaking rules and laws.

Because life doesn't always fit into them, and breaking through these barriers can be difficult.

And Dasha and I celebrated our encounter with the policemen well at McDonald's and went home. We slept until 11 AM, but it was worth it.

I love you, dear, it's interesting to live with you!

I've always avoided responsibility.
For me, responsibility equates to guilt.
If I don't accept responsibility, I'm not to blame.

Last year, I had a chance to shed any imposed responsibility (thanks, my love). I had the opportunity to live in that state, observe it, get accustomed to it slowly, with ease, confidence, and allure.

And now, you know, the desire to take responsibility is returning. Especially for things that truly matter to me.

During these starting days of the school year, I gather my children for school and kindergarten with gratitude and joy. I style Ksusha's hair. I realize that it's essential. That it's crucial to arrive on time. Pack a lunchbox. Give the kids some time to wake up slowly. Pick them up from school and kindergarten. Ask about their day. Reflect on it and convey my children's expectations and grievances to the teachers. I never thought I'd relate to school this way.

You keep asking and asking, and then at night, it turns out that the Polish children voted by a majority for Kseniya to be the class leader. And she only remembered it now. I swelled with pride. And after such events, try to suffer from the fact that you're in a foreign country.

Moreover, I've started therapeutic group meetings titled "My Feelings in Emigration."

I feel warm after the first session, but there's also a sense of responsibility. It's a good responsibility. I'm grateful that I have the opportunity to embrace it.

Ksusha: I feel so upset; I can't bear the fact that Luba now has a dress. I'm very sad that Luba has a new dress. Because Luba has such a beautiful dress. Because they didn't send one to me. I don't have such a beautiful dress. I feel really bad. Because I don't have a dress or any other clothing as beautiful as Luba's. It hurts that Luba has it, and I don't.

Pa: Have you thought about why it hurts?

Ksusha: I don’t really know, but feelings are so overwhelming, how can you respond to these feelings or what do they mean? Why do they work like this? You never know; life always has mysteries.

Pa: Would you like to solve this mystery?

Ksusha: I think so.

Pa: Like a detective story?

Ksusha: Yes, but much harder. You'll never solve it.

Pa: What if we try to solve it together?

Ksusha: I don’t know what will happen if we solve it.

Pa: We can buy a cake if we solve it!

Ksusha: In honor of what?

Pa: That we are great detectives.

Ksusha: I think they did it (referring to the characters in Ksusha's mind from the movie "Inside Out") to make me feel so sad, so hurt that she has a dress.

Pa: Why would they want to do that? What's the benefit?

Ksusha: If it's any of their hurt or sadness, they don't understand the benefit, they just think they are sad because of it.

I solved the riddle, that it's not beneficial to me at all. They're just sad and hurt, and they take turns.

He wanted to feel sad. He likes feeling sad, so he decided to be sad.

Pa: How about joy? How does joy feel?

Ksusha: There are times when even joy is sad. When it was gentle and scary. And joy could react to that. So, have we solved it?

Pa: I don’t know, but I think there aren’t characters in our head.

Ksusha: Oh, how come! There must be something that should guide us! We can't guide ourselves! If they weren’t there, how could we express sadness, or that we're happy, angry, or gentle?

Pa: Well, I think it’s us, it's really us feeling everything. What else could you feel in this situation?

Ksusha: I wanted to be happy. I wanted joy to come, but instead, sadness came. I couldn't embrace it.

Pa: Why do you think joy should have come?

Ksusha: Luba, my sister, I love her, I want to be happy for her, but I can't.

... they decided to continue another day, the riddle remains unsolved ...

A dirt road. A handrail. The creak of a wooden platform. A key in a rusty lock. The eerie clatter of chains. The oars are released. I was warned that if the locals call the police, just reassure them that everything is fine and that there's an arrangement. However, it feels like Dasha and I are stealing a boat in the middle of the night. Finally, we've unwound the chains. As we climbed in, we realized there's no guarantee the boat won't capsize. The phone flashlight does illuminate somewhat, but mostly blinds us. We decided not to go far. Goosebumps cover our skin. The sound of oars hitting the water. Occasional bubbles. From time to time, a fish jumps out. In the nearby forests, dogs bark. It was supposed to be romantic. Stars in the sky without any light pollution. The stars are beautiful. We even found a candle and lit it. The other one didn’t light. A thermos with hot tea. Small cups. Tasty candies. But through all of this, our vulnerability. Our fears laid bare before each other, that's where the beauty lies. We sat and shared our anxieties and fears, which was comforting. Every now and then, I'd get so engrossed in our conversation. The backdrop against which I saw Dasha (the lake surface, shadows from the dark forest, the dark forest itself, some distant lights, stars) resembled a Zoom or Google Meet background. An unreal backdrop. Another challenge was finding the dock. We'd been carried away by the unnoticed current. Reeds brush against the oars. The boat scrapes against another boat. All these sounds, like whispered human voices. We immediately thought there were people nearby. But it was only the sounds of the night. Such a little journey into the mysteries of our soul.

I'm afraid of many things. But I'd like to live my life facing those fears, with depth, meaning, and true love. True love conquers fear.

Thank you, my beloved, for agreeing to such an adventure.

"The one for whom I walked to the cross, carries me in her arms."

Thank you, my love. Meeting you was a turning point in my life. That hidden part of a magical fairy tale, which usually starts from the end and is never voiced, touched me. I live in it. In the fairy tale with you. Where every moment is unpredictable. Where challenges alternate with rewards, solitude with unity, joy with sorrow, tension with relaxation. I feel a deep need for you, and I believe you feel the same need for me.

Let's dance, the dance of our life, and even death will not part us.

He walked, gazing at the twigs. His thoughts wavered, at times converging on a single idea. He wanted to find the direct and tested paths that connected man to eternity, to God, to Jesus Christ. Now he answered himself: “There aren't such simple universal paths, perhaps I should come to terms with this?” Yet, driven by the wind, his thoughts sometimes focused on what was very close, right in front of his nose, and sometimes they shifted beyond distant horizons, to places unseen, where one could let their imagination roam freely.

All of this was a part of him, but it didn't hold great importance. He saw a life without people as meaningless. And only the moments of deep encounters with "a person" never lost their value. To be in the presence of a spouse, children, to observe their lives, to participate in their existence, to have the chance to glimpse into their vast universe, was a great gift.

He simply walked… He knew where the treasures were hidden...

How deeply does an unhappy person irritate you? Why is it so painful and unbearable? Why do you want to fix everything as quickly as possible? Make them happy, acknowledge the beauty of the world, thank their fate, and be grateful to God.

Perhaps we fear that in this person the truth is reflected. Loneliness, the inevitability of death, and the overarching meaninglessness are mirrored. We ourselves avoid these states at all costs, suppressing them with fast foods of all kinds: goals, plans, food, movies, emotions, fights, and news. We fear confronting this abyss of profound questions for which we have no answers. The questions themselves weigh heavily and disassemble us. Because through the lens of these questions, our entire life is reevaluated; we see the underbelly of our very selves. We stand exposed and defenseless in the face of this life. And all the illusions we've constructed to feel in control just dissipate like mist.

I myself experienced a shift. Earlier, I would get disturbed when someone in my presence was sad or unhappy. It tore me apart.

Now, I see it as an opportunity. It's a moment when a person is on the verge of confronting a truth, someone seeking truth and rejecting the fast-food solutions offered from all sides. Let's not numb ourselves. Let's not run from these states.

It's terrifying, but through it, one can better understand oneself. One can find their true desire, from which we've drifted so far.

Love yourself when it's tough for you. Love others when it's tough for them.

Aporia - (if I'm not mistaken) this word was used in the times of Socrates to indicate that the conversation and arguments have reached a dead end. We have encountered an impasse. And the one who thought he knew something is left with a shattered worldview. Left with questions to which he no longer has answers (but previously did).

The situation is very complicated. It makes one want to cry. It feels like the ground is slipping from beneath one's feet.

Yet, does it bring us closer to some greater truth? To be on the edge of the unknown is to be closer to the truth. If our interlocutor is cunning and wise, he will question us about ordinary things. Upon understanding our thoughts about them, he will pose further intricate questions, and everything will fall apart. To us, he will appear quite rude, and it's unlikely we will hold any affection for him...

Year 2123 Scientists have studied the nature of desires. Now they can be calmly regulated through injections. For the newly born child, there is a program of monthly injections from the global political party. This basic set includes all the necessary desires that form a true citizen with an active position, a great desire for conscience, acceptance, and professional realization.

Parents have the opportunity to buy for their children a set of more unique desires, which would direct them towards creativity, sports, scientific activity, charity, and further down the list.

The society of the future has made everyone happy; everyone internally feels a desire for deeds, actions, and thinking. There are opportunities to realize their desires. No more frustration... Every person uniquely realizes their desire... Orientation towards one thing or another comes from childhood, giving high efficiency indicators in all branches of humanity.

After reading my text, I see that explanations are needed.

1. Correct Title: How do you like this anti-utopia movie scenario?
2. The main postulate of my text, In this absurd and terrible idea, is to show how good intentions of imposing and upbringing "correct" (useful) Desires take away a person's freedom, the freedom in the ascent of his life and his desire.
3. Why I think this has been happening throughout the existence of humanity:
   3.1. Taking the times of Socrates - there is a sacred public and feeling, the meanings of each personal person are not accepted as possible. The entire structure of the state is under threat before this personal freedom. Hence Socrates is sentenced to death.
   3.2. Times after Jesus Christ - assemblies, religious laws are set as objective, without the possibility of personal ascent and critical attitude. At that time the desire to control is absence of freedom and above traditional society.
   3.3. In our times, the imposition of desires goes through marketing tools ("scientific" research, culture) the main goal of which is to form in a person the right desires that will make him a "useful" citizen-patriot + mover of the economy (through the desire to acquire a range of services and material things). Parents in childhood can also push the development of a small person in the directions necessary for them.
   
   I am not saying that all this is bad, but in the search for myself, it was difficult for me to separate my personal desires (meanings) from those that descended to me from outside.

I remember well when I came to the Church. Everything resonated inside and out. I felt very good and confident. I accepted all the traditions as they should be. As the ultimate truth, where wisdom passed from generation to generation, the guides of wisdom never contradicted each other (as I imagined it then). And they have already outlined and said: "what to do, what to beware of, what to pay attention to." And most importantly for me!!!! What and how to think, what and how to feel.

This was a crucial point. I gladly accepted such instruction. I had never looked deep within myself and did not trust myself. I lived by the desires of other people. So switching from one to another was very easy. And I just began to feel and think as the holy ones of the Orthodox Church wrote. I fit into the community and tradition, feeling completely comfortable there.

And here I thought, well why is it so hard for other people to take and start thinking correctly, feeling correctly?

Well, what can I say now... Only a person who does not have and does not know themselves can change so easily under any request. Mostly to meet not their own, but some other group and criteria.

And here, when you already accept yourself, when you explore yourself and your depth. Then any external benchmarks and criteria begin to correspond much more with your own essence. And are accepted, only if they really do not contradict the deep and true you.

There can be a goal in life: to live correctly, to choose correctly, to understand what is right and what is not. Everything is simple, the system is closed. To this system, you can still add an objective view of the world and some unification of rules.

I remember in my childhood, I wanted to keep a journal with rules, where I would describe the correct rules and correct choices for my descendants. So that they would not have to worry about it, and they could just follow the rules prescribed by me and add their own. Over generations, my descendants could become a completely correct family, who would never be mistaken and accumulate all the understanding of the world. How beautiful this idea looked, perhaps even more beautiful than the dreams of Adolf Hitler. Everyone around is happy and correct. Nobody will do something wrong (ineffective) anymore.

But even at that moment, there was an internal opposition within me to life by the rules. A life where there is right-wrong (black-and-white life), is a life in which it is impossible to understand the neighbor, impossible to understand oneself.

1. It is important whether you are doing right or not.
2. If you are not acting according to the rules, then act.

But who will be interested in such a state:

• Why does a person want to do or do differently?
• Or does "my right" have such fatal truth, or is everything much more complicated?

If you ask yourself such questions, you can just burn out. But without this understanding, can you feel something deep, something true?

And in the system of right / wrong, our value is categorized as a well-performed right. It is not we who are valuable, but some mechanical function of ours.

"The wind blows where it wishes, and you hear its sound, but you do not know where it comes from or where it goes. So it is with everyone born of the Spirit."
Gospel according to John 3:8

Having opened a window of your mind for the Gospel, do not forget to also open the window of the heart. Then it will be thoroughly good, and the Spirit will live in you.

I figured out a lot here, all because yesterday we were experimenting with ventilation in the car. Even before the trip, I was concerned about whether air from one anti-mosquito window would be enough. It turned out at night that it's not at all enough. It’s unbearable. There’s a window - there's no air. Living (sleeping) is unbearable.

We decided, quickly, to make another anti-mosquito window.

And then Happiness, Joy, and Fulfillment came into our life.

Every other minute, a sea-pine breeze could fly into the window, and it was so inspiring. I could not sleep for a long time, I could not get enough of it, waiting for such visits of the Breeze in my life.

In the photo: the sky at 2 o'clock in the night in my window.